Understanding extreme shyness in children- Part 1

Some children are social butterflies. They enter a party and do everything to amuse others and instantly become the center of attention. In the other category, are those children who feel very shy in social situations and prefer to cling to their parents. These children act like wallpaper in the room and may as well go unnoticed by others. They hide behind their parents' legs when someone, familiar or unfamiliar, approaches them. These children may be very assertive and playful at home in the presence of everyday people, like parents and grandparents. But the moment they step out of their house or someone steps into their house, they kind of ‘freeze up’. Sometimes they ‘thaw out’ soon, and sometimes they take very long or even refuse to ‘defrost’.

Many parents feel confused and annoyed with this behavior of their child. They get embarrassed when their friend is asking the child something and the child fixes his gaze on the floor, puts his fingers into his mouth, and doesn’t respond at all. It’s very important to first understand that such kind of shyness is not a problem in itself. It is rather a reflection of something else that’s going on in the child’s mind. So first, let’s look at the possible reasons that could be there behind such terminal shyness:

1. Fear of strangers: some children are simply too scared of unfamiliar people. Their stranger anxiety is highly marked and influences their behavior significantly. Such children find it extremely difficult to interact with those who are either completely stranger or occasional visitors.
2. Analysis of situation: ‘’look before you leap’’ is the motto of some children. It’s as natural as other kids’ spontaneous urge to befriend others and experience the thrill of socializing. Children who are very sensitive to their own and others’ feelings generally find it difficult to be impulsive and prefer to look at things from a distance, analyze the details and then cautiously inch forward. Unfortunately, by the time they feel comfortable going ahead, the push from people fades. Then they have no choice but to stay back.
3. Fear of uncertainty: some children like to be sure what’s happening next. They prefer a routine to an unstructured day. They throw fewer tantrums if they are told things that are going to happen. When they meet someone, they are fine. But when they meet with someone, they retreat because they are not mentally prepared for that meeting. When they go to a party, they respond well to expected things like cake cutting and giving gifts for which they were mentally prepared by parents in advance. But they fail to respond well to those things that they were not prepared for such as a new party game, unfamiliar guests, etc.
4. Fear of blame: children who have a ‘blame-ridden environment’ at home hesitate in interacting with the outside world fearing similar blames for ‘silly mistakes’. So if a child who cannot make a mistake without receiving sarcasm ( why are you so clumsy?) or rebukes ( see how you broke it) or punishments (you won't get another toffee for 1 week as you were so careless with your pencil), he develops an idea that he is being judged all the time. That he is not simply a child, but either a good one or a bad one, depending on his last action or behavior. Such a child will have problems in having social interactions fearing similar judgments for anything silly he might end up doing.
5. Lack of self-confidence: a child who thinks he is not good enough will want to hide it from others. When a child feels that his friends or siblings are better dancers, singers, or gymnasts, he doesn’t want to let others know how bad he dances or sings by performing in front of others. If a child doesn’t have the confidence of winning a competitive game, he will stay back when others are playing ‘musical chair’ at a birthday party. If a child feels his voice is very shaky, will prefer to keep quiet when someone approaches him with a hello. Poor self-image plays a very detrimental role in social development.
6. Bad experience in the past: certain bad experiences in past can put a block in a child’s mind about interacting, mingling up, or performing. For example, if a child sat on a cake at a party and received teasing from other kids for the dirtied pants, will take a long time to nurse that wound of embarrassment. He will not want to attend any party in the first place. And even if he goes, he will sit down in one place and will not move, fearing similar accidents.

As mentioned earlier, some children are just not wired to be social butterflies. So you need to accept a little bit of shyness in your kid. Some shyness here and there could be coming from the small influence of each of the reasons mentioned above. That’s something not to be worried about. But yes, if the shyness goes up to an extent of reflecting extreme skepticism or timidity, a proper approach is required.

Managing extreme shyness in children- Part 2

A deeper understanding of the behavior is the first step to managing it better. Once you feel you have understood the reason, the next step is to adopt some strategies to take care of it. In part 1, we discussed the reason behind extreme shyness in children. Here are some of the strategies you need to keep in mind to handle your child’s shy behavior:

1. Accept your child’s shyness: it’s important to accept that your child could be born with a shy temperament. It’s not a good idea to fiddle too much with his natural personality. Even if it is acquired and not innate, you need to accept it first, in order to try and change it for the better. Forcing him to participate in social situations will not only make him more rigid about his stance, but he will also feel bad to know that you are not at ease with his natural self and that he needs to behave in a certain way to make you happy.
2. Appreciate when the child does interact: if you consider talking to people and being friendly a normal and standard form of behavior, then chances are that the absence of that behavior will annoy you, but the seldom presence of it won't fetch any appreciation from you. When the child does interact, parents might refrain from appreciating, thinking, “what’s the big deal in that? Why pay compliments to something that should have been there since the beginning?”. Wrong theory. Appreciating later, in privacy,  in a small way, does motivate the child to repeat being friendly again in the future. The absence of appreciation might make him feel, “why bother!”
3. Role play at home: if your child is facing problems in interacting with other adults, switch roles with him at home. He can become the ‘friendly adult’ and you can become the ‘child’. This will have two benefits. First, he will come to know from the ‘child-you’ how to behave with adults. Second, you will come to know from him how he perceives those adults when he meets them. Similarly, before going to a birthday party, have a mock party at home, where he can be the host, all his toys can be guests and you can be the child. How you go up to the ‘guests’, and how the ‘guests’ treat you, will all teach him lots about socializing, as well as give him a chance to practice things at home.
4. Social interactions at home: most parents make sure to teach their children as many things as possible, like music, dance, karate, swimming, and much more. But what sometimes gets neglected as a part of conscious teaching and learning is socialization. When the child makes a mistake, you correct him and later coach him on what he should do and shouldn’t do. But that is like passing or failing the child in an exam without teaching him the course. Like you use various methods to teach alphabets to your child, you should use various methods to teach socialization too. You can have interactions at home where you can play doctor-patient with him, tell him about your childhood experiences, read him family-story books, or show him good-manners charts.
5. Do not humiliate or label: although your child’s shyness might embarrass you in front of your friends, especially when their children are happily playing with everyone around, you should keep your embarrassment covered. Do not scold your child for being ‘so timid’. Your sarcasm will do more harm than good. Your child is already anxious. Don’t become yet another source of his anxieties. If you keep calling your child shy and timid, he will think that this is what you think of him and that he has to live up to this prophecy of yours and will not want to change his behavior in the future.
6. Don’t plead and threaten:  when your child hides behind your legs, do not beg and plead, “Please say hello to aunty”. It sends a wrong message to him. He feels that he needs to learn social interactions, not for his sake, but for your sake, since you look so desperate to hear that ‘hello aunty, how are you?” from his mouth. Don’t threaten him to be nice to the aunty, else he won’t be called a good boy. Later, never ever fall prey to punishing your child, physically or emotionally, for embarrassing you in public. He will feel that by not talking to the aunty, he hurt 'the aunty's" feelings, and her feelings are more important to you than his feelings.
7. Butt in, if required: without interrupting his attempts, you may intervene, if you feel that your little one could use some guidance to open up further. Be careful to maintain the line between interference and intervention. For example, when your friend greets him a hello and your child doesn’t respond, that’s not a good point to push him to say hello. But when your friend asks him what he played in the playground, the silence from your child’s side may not mean shyness. Your child could, at that point, be recalling what all he did. And it may happen that by the time he is done recalling, he realizes that no one is any more interested in knowing the answer. With your gentle intervention here, “we had so much fun with our ball, bat, and park’s squirrels, didn’t we?” your child is more likely to add on to it. So some children require the help of an opening line as a cue to start. But be careful, not to start answering on his behalf to all the questions asked. A sensible friend of yours won’t ask too many questions seeing an uninterested child.

A sensitive and sensible approach of yours will surely take care of your child’s shyness. Keep your expectations real. Changes won’t happen overnight. Also, during times of stress, your child is more likely to slip back into his shell of shyness. So you need to keep up with your patience and hope.