Thursday, November 14, 2019

Gender stereotypes


I often hear this from kids, “I help my mother by putting my shoes in the shoe rack” or  “If I were a mother I’d cook after coming back from the office,” or “When the maid doesn’t come, my mother washes the dishes before going to the office” Or “My mother scolds me for watching T.V while my father watches T.V. all the time”

No, this write-up is not about feminism. I am not going to talk about equal rights.

I intend to talk about gender stereotypes with which our kids are growing up. This write-up is a result of discussions with children over the years. It may not apply to each and every household, but this is what children have shared.

Children are observing mothers be hardworking, sacrificing, angry, and strict parental figures, and fathers to be hardworking, carefree, relaxed, and cool.

This may be unhealthy at many levels for children.

Girls are growing up thinking it’s tough to be a mother, and that they will have to take care of a house, children, AND a job. They may not opt for marriage or motherhood when it’s time. That time, it will seem wise not to get into it if it looks scary. 
Boys are growing up thinking that doing the dishes or putting shoes in the right place is a mother’s job. They will expect the same from their life partners later.

What are we doing? Are we preparing kids for our adulthood or theirs? 20 years from now things will be different.

Mothers can stop feeling guilty, to begin with. Stop feeling guilty about not sacrificing and not being a superwoman. Stop taking pride in working non-stop. It’s ok not to have the cleanest house. It’s ok if relatives are not proud of your time-management skills. It’s ok to take a break. It’s ok to take care of yourself. It’s ok to create your support system by hiring a cook, a nanny, and extra maids.

All mothers are working moms. One may work at home; one may work in an office. One may choose a traveling job; one may choose a school job. One may go to lots of parties; one may go to lots of meetings. It’s all about choices. It’s all about what’s needed. Embrace your femininity.

Fathers can be more vocally supportive, to begin with. You are perceived as cool and carefree. Create job equality in the house.

20 years from now, most women will have jobs outside. Then, if men, who are little boys now, expect household and parenting responsibilities from women, who are little girls now, there is something wrong we are doing now which will strain their relationships later.

Strong gender stereotypes might have worked in the past. Think of the present and the future. Dissolve gender stereotypes and help your children grow up not only feeling equal but seeing equal too.

Monday, November 11, 2019

Public Speaking Pressure


There is a sudden rise in the pressure to "Speak Confidently". There are hundreds of kids coming with 'too shy to talk' problem.
There is an increase in the number of 'shy' kids? How?
How have communication skills become as gradable and trainable as maths? Will the hesitation to speak go away at all if parents are watching over it like anxious hawks?
Will the hesitation increase or further decrease if kids get to hear parents say, "My child is very shy. He/she cannot speak everything every time to everyone."
Does it make sense to send the less-communicative child for speech therapy without understanding that speech therapy, language therapy and communication therapy are all different?
There are so many confusions, so many fears around speaking skills.
Confidence to speak comes from home first, I believe. And then from the environment at school. The experiences and learnings, too, shape it up significantly.
If a child has always learned to bottle up feelings, if a child feels that maturity reflects by being quiet, if a child is quite afraid of strangers, if a child has experienced humiliation upon being wrong, if a child's parents are too shy and introvert, if a child goes to a school where free-talk is not allowed, if a child is into multiple classes after school hours which again restrict free-talk, if a child is reprimanded/judged for speaking his mind then should we work on the child's speaking skills first or on correcting his environment first?
Give your child freedom of speech before you begin to worry about his/her public speaking skills.
Talk to your child. Let him/her talk while you listen.

'Love my child' syndrome

I have been meaning to share this for a long time.

Children learn more from what they see than from what they are told. It's simple. It's natural. It's proven, time and again.

Parents, who are always hovering over their kids during playtime, who are always micro-managing their kids' schoolwork, who are constantly under the pressure to 'fix' everything with the kids' teachers, who are guarding their kids fiercely against anything 'unfair', end up fighting with the other adults in their children's lives more often than not.

Parents who make sure that the world treats their kids with special attention end up creating a sense of entitlement in their kids. Such kids may find it very difficult to not get the first chance to speak in the class. They may find it their right to push someone off the swing. They may hit when things don't go their way.

Parents who cannot accept that their kids are special to them and not to the world just end up fighting with the world. Their kids are watching them, learning the harsh language, learning the imposition of personal demands.

Such kids end up learning 'me first'. They lose their boundaries.

Such kids are not go-getters. They misbehave.

I hope it sinks in.





 




Emotional Strength In Children



We often talk about emotionally strong children who look very mature, who don't show rage, who don't cry a lot. We think that emotionally weak children do everything opposite, they disturb, crib, snatch, cry, scream.
Where does this emotional strength come from? We are definitely not born with social judgment and ability to regulate emotions. In fact, we are born with a fragmented psychological frame, not knowing what’s ‘me’ and ‘not-me’. It takes time to develop the boundaries of ‘me’ and ‘not-me’, which eventually act like out gatekeepers and filters. The boundaries help us absorb, understand, respond, connect in appropriate ways. Traumas can puncture these boundaries often resulting in weaker psyche during traumas. But in general, there are a few things should be done and should not be done to build layers of boundaries to understand ‘me’ better.
There are 10 layers that need to be developed for strong boundaries and thus for emotional strength:
1.      Power of identity – Children develop their identities all the time. Understanding of belongingness develops early. The gender identity, as Freud puts, gets strongly developed in the Oedipal phase at the age of 4-6 years. Children build their self-image based on their understanding of their personalities, body-shapes, performances, age-appropriate skills, people’s responses and much more.
Don'ts: Why are you crying like a baby? Why do you want to use my cream, are you a girl? You hit him; you are a bad boy. He is your friend and you must share it with him. You will be a good girl if you study well. Why are you behaving like your sister? You are eating like your fat friend.
2.      Power of bonding – A display of affection is needed for children. Verbal (telling openly), physical (hugs and kisses), gestural (looking at the child and smiling) ways are a few of the ways of doing this. A 15-minute time of talking/playing without distractions helps them feel connected. This is more importantly needed during transition phases (like for a baby when she wakes up after sleep or for a preschooler at the time of leaving for or returning from school ). Listen when children talk. Do not be judgmental and preachy when they share something.
Don’ts: talking more than the child, judgments ( you shouldn’t talk about your friends like this, you must respect your elders)
3.      Power of being taken care of – The basic need of being fed or being provided shelter makes a child feels taken care of. This is generally missing in underprivileged kids or orphans.
Don’ts: Neglecting basic needs, providing more than needed to compensate for own childhood’s gaps
4.      Sense of being needed – If children feel that they are a burden to us or their presence is overwhelming for us they think of themselves as a liability. Then they want to establish their power. This often leads to tug-of-war, struggles, and defiance. We could help them feel needed by verbally telling that they were missed a lot when they return from a trip or by asking them to help in the household chores. Help a child feel like a giver and an important part of the family and society.
Don’tsmaking a child feel like a liability by overtly sacrificing (“I can’t come for the party as there is no one to leave my child with” when the child is in earshot)
5.      Power of choice – We need to understand the difference between the platform of equality/discussion and parental authority tower. It helps to decide what areas do we want our children to have a choice. We cannot let them decide which city to move to, but we can definitely let them decide what to wear. Provide them choices to choose from like “Will you prefer roti or rice for dinner tonight?” instead of starting an open-ended discussion like “What do you want to eat today?” Children develop decision-making abilities if they can trust their choices.
Don’tsreject choices after asking, mock at their choices
6.      Power of trust – It goes both ways. Children need to know they can trust us (we can do this by being consistent, not adamant though) and they also need to know that we trust them (we can do this by letting them do age-appropriate tasks, by making them responsible for a few things). Lies or tardiness here and there do not break that strong layer of trust. Understand the difference between dependability and truthfulness. Children lie when they are scared to tell the truth, keep this in mind.
Don’tsAsking the teacher if she gave homework even if the child says she didn’t, checking the door again for even if the child says he locked it
7.      Power of discipline – Discipline and punishment are two very different things. While discipline focuses on the behavior and child’s safety-cum-learning, punishment focuses on the child and stems from parents’ moments of weaknesses. Discipline in children means that they know what’s expected from them, what the dos and don’ts are. Be disciplined parents first. Don't say what you won’t do.
Don’ts: hitting, shouting, ignoring, isolating, ridiculing, depriving, threatening, giving empty threats.
8.      Power of empathy – Empathy and sympathy are different. Empathy comes from understanding, sympathy comes from guilt and pity. A layer of empathy helps children understand people’s behavior better and thus they are able to regulate their apathy/guilt/anger. Empathic children are more in charge of their own emotions. If your child laughs at an obese girl, let it go at that time. Talk later what kind of obesity-causing disease the girl might be struggling with.
Don’tsShaming the child for ‘wrong’ thoughts, expecting an empathic child to adjust and let it go all the time.
9.      Power of big picture – Children do not understand time on a spectrum. They see time in small chunks. As a result, their understanding of consequences is very dim. They are better equipped to take decisions and regulate responses if they know what’s reversible and what’s not. We should share pieces from our childhood, so they can see how our choices in the past have affected our present. We should ready them for their future without imposing the difficulties of our present.
Don’tsif you don’t study well you will not get a job, it’s ok if he has hurt you; just shake hands and be friends again
10.   Power of positivity – There are two ways to look at most of the things. One way to look at torrential rains is “Oh no, it’s been raining so hard, we haven’t been able to go out anywhere”. The other way to look at the same thing is “Thank god we have a shelter and food to eat. It must be so difficult for homeless people in this rain”. Of course, this is not applicable to crisis situations where someone has died. But the ability to look at most of the things from a positive angle prevents children from taking everything like a catastrophe. Broken pencil, poor marks, ripped pants, poor T.V. network are difficult situations and not crises. They shouldn't respond to all situations with the same panic.
Don’ts: oh no, such poor marks! Oh no, there is no power supply today! Oh no, there is no juice in the fridge! Oh no, they stopped airing my favorite show!

(Note: This write-up is a result of many months of research. A special thanks to Priya Balasubramaniam for collating the points after the workshop. Should you want to consult for more details/discussions, let us know at info@confidentliving.co.in. )