There is no
situation more frustrating than a child whining, screaming, lying on the floor,
throwing arms and legs around. It is heart-breaking. It is mind-blowing, quite
literally.
The usual
response of a parent in such situations is full of desperation, exasperation, irritation,
anger, embarrassment, pity, and all that is enough to make us take an immediate
step in an attempt to put a stop to it. At that point of time, we are willing
to do all that we haven’t learnt in our parenting books, as the sight is too
unbearable.
Some of the usual
steps we take when the child is throwing a tantrum are:
1.
Punishing the child:
most of us scream, hit, or lock up the child who is questioning our parenting gyaan
by doing the opposite of a desired behavior. The feeling of helplessness evokes
tremendous anger in us and we end up punishing a child, who is already feeling
devastated for some other reason. Punishing may sort out the issue at that
point of time, as the child gives in, out of fear, but it has tremendous side
effects in the long run. The child may become very meek, submissive or defiant,
aggressive. The feeling of not being understood by parents is also carried
heavily for life.
2.
Rationalizing the issue:
many of us have a habit of start giving explanations when faced with a problem.
We end up doing the same when we see an undesirable behavior in the only heir
of our values and goodness. He screams, we preach. The louder he cries, the harder
we try to teach. After a while, we leave the child alone with a note in his
mind that he ‘shouldn’t be doing like this’. Not effective. Because the child
knows that he shouldn’t be doing like this. He knows all that we are teaching
at that point of time. In fact, he is totally closed to a good-behavior lesson
at that point of time. This often makes parents feel very helpless to see the
child not listening to them.
3.
Giving in: many
indulgent parents, who don’t believe in punishing, and who don’t have the time and
patience to impart the wisdom, often follow what the child crying on the floor
is demanding for, no matter how inconvenient or unhealthy. They believe in
giving, and giving in, without thinking of the consequences. The child gets
things done his ways, so he is happy. He feels victorious. The child is happy,
so the parents feel they have won the battle. No one wins here actually. Both lose,
without realizing. The only thing that the child gains is one dangerous idea; things
should happen in the way he wants. This one lesson learnt brings more monstrous
moments and experiences in life of these parents later.
4.
Giving up: sometimes,
we don’t know what to do. So we just give up. We give up not without telling
the child how disappointed we are in him, and how ashamed we are feeling about ourselves
that we are not parenting enough. We leave the cranky child on the floor, lock
up ourselves in a room, cry it over. The child, who was crying for something
else few moments ago, starts crying for a new reason, i.e. upset parents. The cry
continues, without telling the parents that the reason has changed, so the
parents continue to feel wretched. The child feels a tremendous pressure of 3
things together- the problem which unsettled him to begin with, the feeling of
not being supported by the parents and the feelings of the upset parents.
If our usual
ways are doing more harm than good, then how do we handle a tantrum?
Answer lies
in few simple steps. It’s called hot-spot management.
1.
Remove the child from the hot-spot
and take him gently to another room for a private conversation
2.
Seat him in your lap and stroke his
back
3.
Let him say first
4.
Don’t interrupt. Don’t defend
yourself or offend him. Just keep saying hmmms, ohhhs
5.
Acknowledge how upset he is. Reframe his
feelings into an appropriate sentence. (“oh, you are angry because you want
to watch your favorite cartoon and your T.V time is up”)
6.
Wait for his response. Do not
rationalize, defend or offend.
7.
When he has released his feelings, stroke
his back and comfort him (“ I know it can be very frustrating when you are
not able to do what you really want to do. The point is that we all need to
learn to express our anger without getting angry. Only then we can think of a
solution. Right now, I am very upset with this behavior. I love you a lot and I
would want to talk to you nicely about this. I am
sure we can sort it out”)
8.
Discuss the solutions with him. Do not
cut his points, do not put your points over his.
At the end of the talk, your child should be able to:
1.
Feel loved and accepted by you
2.
Feel that he is good, but the
behavior he did was bad
The steps mentioned above are quite simple to follow. There are 3 tricky points to keep in mind, though
1.
Expressing your anger without getting
angry yourself
2.
Showing love and acceptance
3.
Consistence
When the
going gets tough, the love gets going!!
