As the final project, teenagers in the psychology program this year shared a few parenting tips.
Here is what children strongly feel and recommend to all parents:
Never hit, criticize, or scold your child too harshly. Your child may not remember the incident exactly, but they will always remember your angry face and angry tone. They will feel unloved. They need to feel safe with you. They need to hear how much you appreciate them.Never use your parental duties to make your child feel guilty. Avoid “I gave up my job for you,” “We have to go to the office to earn money for your education,” “I have to get up so early to pack your tiffin,” or “I gave birth to you, so you must obey me.”
Never preach and scold your child when they are opening up and talking frankly about something. Do not judge them either. Your child will feel deceived if you pretend to be friendly in the beginning just to know what’s going on in their mind only to suddenly switch back to preachy-judgy parenting mode. They will never open up again and you won’t like it.
Never call your child stupid. It hurts your child a lot. Your child will also start thinking that they are stupid and then you won’t like that.
Never find faults in your child thinking you’re motivating them to become better. Fault finding kills their self-confidence and then you’ll find yourself looking for personality development classes to boost their self-confidence.
Never hover over and micromanage your child. Do not ask them to tell you everything. Do not ask them to ask for your permission for everything. It’s ok if you do not know the phone number of one friend of theirs. It’s ok if your child eats that pizza without asking you.
Never say demotivating sentences like, “You can do better.” You will not like to hear that you can earn more or look more beautiful or do a superior job or be a better parent.
Never compare your child to anyone else. Your child will hate the child they are compared to. Your comparison damages their relationships. The comparisons also make your child think that they are just not good enough. They lose confidence and a sense of accomplishment. In the long run, this affects everything.
Never compare your child’s childhood with your childhood. When you say, “Those were the golden days,” or “You kids will never know what real childhood means,” your child will feel their existence invalidated by you. Your child will also feel confused because you have given this childhood to them and you’re calling it unreal. If they have a phone which you didn’t have in your childhood, it is because your generation invented, manufactured, sold, and bought that phone.
Never dismiss the difficulties your child is facing in subjects by saying, “It’s so easy; how can you not understand this?” Your child will start hating self as well as their studies. Your child will also feel very sad to see you disappointed.
Never react inappropriately to the possibility of your child having a developmental disorder or a personality problem or a learning gap.
Never say what you don’t mean, like, “You were a mistake,” or what is incorrect, like, “You’ll become a watchman if you don’t study well.”
Never yell at your child for disturbing you when you are busy. Try to say something like, “I’m busy right now. Can we connect in 5 minutes?”
Never pass your own insecurities to your child. If you are unhappy with your current job, do not start IIT coaching for your child in grade 8 now for that perfect imaginary job in the future. If you don’t like the way you look, do not stop your child from overeating sometimes.
Never tease or jokingly criticize your child if you know they take your sarcastic comments seriously. Your passive-aggressive fun will sadden or irritate them which they will not be able to express cogently.
Never say, “If your friend jumps off the cliff, will you do the same?” when they ask for a phone as most friends have phones. It makes no sense to your child. They see you doing things that other uncles and aunts are doing. They see you comparing their marks with other kids. They probably need that phone just to feel connected to their friends.
Never use your child as a mediator when you fight with your spouse. Never force the child to take a side.
Never pity your child. Have empathy and show it in your behavior instead. Your pity will damage your child’s self-confidence.
Never force your stereotypes and religious/political ideas onto your child. They don’t have to hate a particular cultural sect or root for a particular team as a family tradition.
Never use “because I said so” on your child, especially if they are a teenager. Give them space to make mistakes, take decisions, and learn from experiences. You cannot want a completely obedient child inside the house and a confident social butterfly outside. It doesn’t work like that.
Never make it all about achievements. Overachieving parents may want overachieving children which can only lead to burnt-out kids who feel they don't deserve anything.
Here is what you may do:
1. Appreciate your child.
2. Spend time with your child.
3. Think before you speak to your child.
4. Talk to your child with respect.
5. Have fun with your child.
6. Understand your child.
7. Have faith in your child.
8. Support your child.
Never make it all about you.
Written by:
Aarav Mittal.
Ananya Ray.
Nila Sivakumar.
Rishit Garg.
Yash Srivastava.
