Parenting tips: by children for parents!

As the final project, teenagers in the psychology program this year shared a few parenting tips.

Here is what children strongly feel and recommend to all parents:

Never hit, criticize, or scold your child too harshly. Your child may not remember the incident exactly, but they will always remember your angry face and angry tone. They will feel unloved. They need to feel safe with you. They need to hear how much you appreciate them.

Never use your parental duties to make your child feel guilty. Avoid “I gave up my job for you,” “We have to go to the office to earn money for your education,” “I have to get up so early to pack your tiffin,” or “I gave birth to you, so you must obey me.”

Never preach and scold your child when they are opening up and talking frankly about something. Do not judge them either. Your child will feel deceived if you pretend to be friendly in the beginning just to know what’s going on in their mind only to suddenly switch back to preachy-judgy parenting mode. They will never open up again and you won’t like it.

Never call your child stupid. It hurts your child a lot. Your child will also start thinking that they are stupid and then you won’t like that.

Never find faults in your child thinking you’re motivating them to become better. Fault finding kills their self-confidence and then you’ll find yourself looking for personality development classes to boost their self-confidence.

Never hover over and micromanage your child. Do not ask them to tell you everything. Do not ask them to ask for your permission for everything. It’s ok if you do not know the phone number of one friend of theirs. It’s ok if your child eats that pizza without asking you.

Never say demotivating sentences like, “You can do better.” You will not like to hear that you can earn more or look more beautiful or do a superior job or be a better parent.

Never compare your child to anyone else. Your child will hate the child they are compared to. Your comparison damages their relationships. The comparisons also make your child think that they are just not good enough. They lose confidence and a sense of accomplishment. In the long run, this affects everything.

Never compare your child’s childhood with your childhood. When you say, “Those were the golden days,” or “You kids will never know what real childhood means,” your child will feel their existence invalidated by you. Your child will also feel confused because you have given this childhood to them and you’re calling it unreal. If they have a phone which you didn’t have in your childhood, it is because your generation invented, manufactured, sold, and bought that phone.

Never dismiss the difficulties your child is facing in subjects by saying, “It’s so easy; how can you not understand this?” Your child will start hating self as well as their studies. Your child will also feel very sad to see you disappointed.

Never react inappropriately to the possibility of your child having a developmental disorder or a personality problem or a learning gap.

Never say what you don’t mean, like, “You were a mistake,” or what is incorrect, like, “You’ll become a watchman if you don’t study well.”

Never yell at your child for disturbing you when you are busy. Try to say something like, “I’m busy right now. Can we connect in 5 minutes?”

Never pass your own insecurities to your child. If you are unhappy with your current job, do not start IIT coaching for your child in grade 8 now for that perfect imaginary job in the future. If you don’t like the way you look, do not stop your child from overeating sometimes.

Never tease or jokingly criticize your child if you know they take your sarcastic comments seriously. Your passive-aggressive fun will sadden or irritate them which they will not be able to express cogently.

Never say, “If your friend jumps off the cliff, will you do the same?” when they ask for a phone as most friends have phones. It makes no sense to your child. They see you doing things that other uncles and aunts are doing. They see you comparing their marks with other kids. They probably need that phone just to feel connected to their friends.

Never use your child as a mediator when you fight with your spouse. Never force the child to take a side.

Never pity your child. Have empathy and show it in your behavior instead. Your pity will damage your child’s self-confidence.

Never force your stereotypes and religious/political ideas onto your child. They don’t have to hate a particular cultural sect or root for a particular team as a family tradition.

Never use “because I said so” on your child, especially if they are a teenager. Give them space to make mistakes, take decisions, and learn from experiences. You cannot want a completely obedient child inside the house and a confident social butterfly outside. It doesn’t work like that.

Never make it all about achievements. Overachieving parents may want overachieving children which can only lead to burnt-out kids who feel they don't deserve anything.

 

Here is what you may do:

1.   Appreciate your child.

2.   Spend time with your child.

3.   Think before you speak to your child.

4.   Talk to your child with respect.

5.   Have fun with your child.

6.   Understand your child.

7.   Have faith in your child.

8.   Support your child.

 

 Never make it all about you.

 

Written by:

Aarav Mittal.

Ananya Ray.

Nila Sivakumar.

Rishit Garg.

Yash Srivastava.

 

Responding to a troubled child

Dealing with the negative emotions of kids is perhaps the most difficult part of parenting. We do not know much about handling our own negative emotions like grief, depression, anger, and anxiety, let alone kids’. To most of us, most of the time when the child comes up with an emotional issue, it’s a monumental task, even though we tend to solve it in minutes without realizing the intensity and sensitivity of the situation.

 

Here, we will not get into complex stressful situations like death or trauma. We will instead look at a simple and common situation of a child and how we handle it. Suppose a 4-year-old child returns from school with a long face and upon asking tells that the teacher scolded him in front of the class for eating the snacks slowly because of which lunch break got prolonged. There are roughly 4 ways in which we handle; either one or a combination of them:

1)   Sympathizing and giving gyaan: To many of us, the first reaction is generally, “Oh dear, I have to soothe him somehow.” We make it clear that a disaster happened today, but we are there, not to worry. We use “Oh no, how could she do this? This is so bad, my little baby,” and so on (and on and on). The next thing we do is to preach the child that this is how life is. That the world is full of good and bad people, giving us good and bad experiences. That we have to learn to live with such negative experiences just the way we cherish our positive ones. And so on (and on and on).

Side effect: We burden the child with our oh no and my baby.  Instead of taking away his pain, we make him angrier at the teacher by talking against her. We make him feel confused and guilty to see us in pain. We make him more anxious about the reality of this cruel world. As a result, the child feels more miserable than he was earlier.

 

2)   Erasing: another way in which some of us may respond to the same situation is by trying to erase the pain. For some of us, it is unbearable to see our kid in a problem and we try to act like an eraser. We tell the kid “It’s a small thing. You shouldn’t be so sad about it. With time, you will face bigger problems in life. I know that deep inside you respect your teacher. It’s a momentary thing you are feeling. Don’t worry. Now give me that cute smile and go play outside. You will forget about it.” The child goes outside and we feel relieved to see him smiling again. We also feel proud to have done a great job.

Side effect: The child is left feeling sad as well as awful for feeling sad. He is now burdened with our expectation that there should be no sadness in such situations. He feels he is dumb for acting like a baby. He feels the push from our side to ‘grow up’. He feels depressed now.

 

3)   Bombarding: Some of us might be just programmed to jump at our kids with questions, answers, and solutions the moment we hear that they have a problem. Upon hearing he is sad, we take out our ‘why-how-when-where’ gun and start firing. We ask him, “Why were you eating so slow? I don’t give you so much in the lunch box that you should take so long! Do you have a toothache? Didn’t you like what I had packed? You must have been looking outside the window! What can you expect from your teacher if you are so careless yourself! She has to handle so many kids! From tomorrow, all you will do in your lunchtime is eat your lunch in the classroom!”

Side effect: No matter how sweetly you bombard, the child gets the wound. No matter how many aah, ooh, baby you add in this monologue. The child feels the firing left right centre. Not only does he have to deal with his emotions, but he also has to deal with the tantrum of his parents (yes, tantrums!). He now experiences all the negative emotions and turmoil of them inside. Sadness, guilt, anger, frustration, self-doubts, anxiety. He feels confused about which one to deal with first. He shuts off his mind and gets into his shell. He fails to come up with a solution of his own.

 

4)   Listening and empathizing: if we train ourselves to listen to our kid with undivided attention (without any preoccupation with TV, cooking, or books) and make a sincere effort to understand how he is feeling, it makes all the difference. When to a sad child, we say, “Oh, that must have been an embarrassing experience,” he notices that we are tuned in to his inner state and feels relieved to know the word for his real feelings. He feels more encouraged to talk. He may tell how he got stuck with the chapatti that he was not able to tear and eat.  Simple ‘hmmm and I see’ is all that the child may need at this point. It also gives him a space to think clearly and chalk out what he can do from the next day to avoid getting stuck like that again.

Side effects: None!! Absolutely no side effect guaranteed here!!

 

 

Having understood the child’s problem, the next step should be to help him get over it. The best way is to give an outlet to the feelings in these possible ways:

-   Wish fulfillment in fantasy. It is a very good way to vent out the steam. If the child says how much he hates school and wishes never to attend any school and face any teacher, it is not a wise idea to mention the impossibility or improbability of the situation. Instead, fulfill his wish in fantasy with “Wouldn’t that be great if you could have it your way! You sure wish to spend all your time with me at home!” Kids do not clearly understand the difference between wish-fulfillment in fantasy and reality. The sense that you are with them in their wish-fulfillment is sometimes all they are looking for.

-   Catch a wish-turning-into-a-tantrum on paper. Ask your whining kid to draw on paper what he is feeling from inside. Be more creative and ask him to spit his anger in the washbasin or tell him to drain away his sadness in the pot. Give him old newspapers and scissors and ask him to cut cut cut till he feels good.

-   Make a colorful list of his feelings and stick it on the fridge. He will feel good that you take his feelings so seriously. Then as you deal with each one of them, keep striking them out with black X’s. When the whole list is glowing with lots of X’s, go out with him on a treat. (Psst.. you can use emoticons instead of words as preschool kids relate better to a pictorial expression of feelings)

 

Word of caution here:

1) Do not get involved with hysterical anxiety. Your oozing emotions may be too difficult for your child.

2)   Don’t just say or do things mechanically. Sincerity is what the child is expecting.

3)   Do not agree with his negative feelings. Accept them instead. So when he says he is angry with his father who didn’t keep his promise of going to the park, don’t readily say ‘Yes, you are right.’ Instead, say, ‘Oh, you are angry with your father for not taking you to the park today.’ There is a difference between agreeing and accepting.

 

Moral of the lesson for kids: It’s ok to feel.. It’s not ok to act out!!

Moral of the lesson for mothers: It’s ok to let kids feel miserable.. It’s not ok to make them more miserable by suffering from their sufferings!!

 

 

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Cyber Safety for children

Be CyberSmart:

1.    Be nice no matter how much something irks you. Ignore nasty posts or comments. Don't ‘fix’ people online.

2.    Don't write hate mails. Don't threaten anyone.

3.    A post can be traced to your laptop. You are not that anonymous on the internet.

4.    The Internet has an indefinite memory. Don't write something thinking it will evaporate in some time.

5.    Don't create fake IDs ever.

6.    Alert your friends if you notice multiple accounts with their pictures. Ask them to do the same for you.

7.    Cyberbullying and hacking are not fun; they are, in fact, illegal. You don't want to get jailed, right?

8.    Don't share nude pictures with ANYONE.

9.    Don't be frank about your political views. Don't be racist or sexist.

10. Don't believe the DPs and names. They can be fake

11. Don't befriend coolguy19 or hotchick16 unless you know them well personally.

12. Don't share your account passwords with anyone but your parents

13. Don't meet people befriended online, no matter how many common friends you have.

14. Don't share your phone number, home address, and school details.

15. Don't share other personal details like parents’ names, work, their credit card PIN

16. Don't visit porn-sites. Don't think that deleting history will help. What you search reflects in ‘suggested for you’

17. Keep your parents aware of your online activities. They can protect you better if they are aware.

18. You hide the wrong things from your parents, don’t you?

Gender stereotypes

I often hear this from kids, “I help my mother by putting my shoes in the shoe rack” or  “If I were a mother I’d cook after coming back from the office,” or “When the maid doesn’t come, my mother washes the dishes before going to the office” Or “My mother scolds me for watching T.V while my father watches T.V. all the time”

No, this write-up is not about feminism. I am not going to talk about equal rights.

I intend to talk about gender stereotypes with which our kids are growing up. This write-up is a result of discussions with children over the years. It may not apply to each and every household, but this is what children have shared.

Children are observing mothers be hardworking, sacrificing, angry, and strict parental figures, and fathers to be hardworking, carefree, relaxed, and cool.

This may be unhealthy at many levels for children.

Girls are growing up thinking it’s tough to be a mother, and that they will have to take care of a house, children, AND a job. They may not opt for marriage or motherhood when it’s time. That time, it will seem wise not to get into it if it looks scary. 

Boys are growing up thinking that doing the dishes or putting shoes in the right place is a mother’s job. They will expect the same from their life partners later.

What are we doing? Are we preparing kids for our adulthood or theirs? 20 years from now things will be different.

Mothers can stop feeling guilty, to begin with. Stop feeling guilty about not sacrificing and not being a superwoman. Stop taking pride in working non-stop. It’s ok not to have the cleanest house. It’s ok if relatives are not proud of your time-management skills. It’s ok to take a break. It’s ok to take care of yourself. It’s ok to create your support system by hiring a cook, a nanny, and extra maids.

All mothers are working moms. One may work at home; one may work in an office. One may choose a traveling job; one may choose a school job. One may go to lots of parties; one may go to lots of meetings. It’s all about choices. It’s all about what’s needed. Embrace your femininity.

Fathers can be more vocally supportive, to begin with. You are perceived as cool and carefree. Create job equality in the house.

20 years from now, most women will have jobs outside. Then, if men, who are little boys now, expect household and parenting responsibilities from women, who are little girls now, there is something wrong we are doing now which will strain their relationships later.

Strong gender stereotypes might have worked in the past. Think of the present and the future. Dissolve gender stereotypes and help your children grow up not only feeling equal but seeing equal too.

Public Speaking Pressure

There is a sudden rise in the pressure to "Speak Confidently". There are hundreds of kids coming with 'too shy to talk' problem.

There is an increase in the number of 'shy' kids? How?

How have communication skills become as gradable and trainable as maths? Will the hesitation to speak go away at all if parents are watching over it like anxious hawks?

Will the hesitation increase or further decrease if kids get to hear parents say, "My child is very shy. He/she cannot speak everything every time to everyone."

Does it make sense to send the less-communicative child for speech therapy without understanding that speech therapy, language therapy and communication therapy are all different?

There are so many confusions, so many fears around speaking skills.

Confidence to speak comes from home first, I believe. And then from the environment at school. The experiences and learnings, too, shape it up significantly.

If a child has always learned to bottle up feelings, if a child feels that maturity reflects by being quiet, if a child is quite afraid of strangers, if a child has experienced humiliation upon being wrong, if a child's parents are too shy and introvert, if a child goes to a school where free-talk is not allowed, if a child is into multiple classes after school hours which again restrict free-talk, if a child is reprimanded/judged for speaking his mind then should we work on the child's speaking skills first or on correcting his environment first?

Give your child freedom of speech before you begin to worry about his/her public speaking skills.

Talk to your child. Let him/her talk while you listen.